Did you know?

Hmm.. at no point of my life did I doubt my understanding about myself. But for some strange reason; its only today that I could put my "growing up" into a logical structure. The fact that I could classify my personality type and analyzed what I am helped. I'll try to put what I was, what I did, what it lead to - all of it in chronology and all of it with the greatest possible honesty.

Stage 1 - Know nothing. (What's being okay?)
Age - 0 to 8
Was - Nonexistent
Lead To - Unrealized knowing
Did - Exist

Stage 2 - Know something (I know what it is to be okay!)
Age - 9 to 12
Was - Curious, confident.
Lead To - Realized learning. First time I felt that when it comes to influencing myself, I can do it too!!! I remember this history lesson in Grade 3 about the Chola empire. The first time I could actually think and remember anything some way other than what I was told.
Did - First time read what I needn't have. Thought what I needn't have. Comics, drawing, self-invented games and imaginary experiments came. Drifted apart from fellow-everybody.

Stage 3 - Know wrong (I'm okay, you aren't)
Age - 13 to 18
Was - With a self-identity to suit my own idea of it and far from truth.
Lead To - The feeling of being special. The need to do special things. To get into only those things in which I can be special. (resigned from sports and any creative pursuit)
Did - Conscious manipulation of self. Developed preferences on how I wanted to look, what I'd read, what I'd say. Start aspiring what I should be - thereby drifting apart from family that thought better ;-)

Stage 4 - Know better (I'm okay, so are you)
Age - 19 to 22
Was - Self conscious to the extreme. Not the kind to give inferiority, but the kind to make better of myself. Dead down to earth and extreme modesty.
LeadTo - Developing my specific skills. Graduation. Friends out of choice. Languages. Opinions. Viewpoints.
Did - Put a perennial effort at self improvement. First encounter with focused thought and action. Fell in love. Got up and firmly out of it. Drifted apart from my first person self.

Stage 5 - Know back (I'm feeling okay and more okay. Don't care about anything else!)
Age - 23 to now
Was - Introspection and retrospection to the extreme.
Lead To - Continual molding and fitting into an ever expanding horizon. More reading, more travelling, more discovery.
Did - ... Here I am.

 

The thing that I seek..

What is that I seek when I'm over and out.. down and flat..worn and tired... just like it happened yesterday? I was just trying to find out what is it that would make me happy.. I searched my contact list..mailing none seemed appealing..logged into my messenger and none in buddy list that I wanted to chat up with.. scrolled down my phone book.. I realized it needed a cleanup. So was it company I was seeking? Nope. not at all. I can't imagine a company that wouldn't bore me in just a little while. And it was then I realized sitting in a nice cozy restaurant scooping steamed rice and washing it down with beer - all at closing time when every table around me was empty. The need with creatures like me who don't know for sure what makes em happy.. is to keep discovering. Got it. Novelty.

And then.. it doesn't suffice that I describe what I thought and what I did. I'd rather have the third person view of myself. And putting in this blog really triggered a log. I found out minutes ago that I can classify myself as INTP behavior type. Time to find out more ;-).

 

Heads or Tails...

Hey.. I've a choice now.. (makes me feel good to say thus). let me put it as one of three.. I can do something that's noticed all the time, by everybody around which means that I'm under lights always. Part of a team. And for someone decent enough, the advantage of being noticed for accomplishing overpowers the disadvantage of being noticed for failure to do the same. The problem is that the team builds boxing gloves, has never used a pair and worse; it claims to know the best when it comes to making them. There's a HUGE disconnect from reality. Moving over to the second option, there's this option of actually boxing.. actually kicking and being kicked.. and the "kick" follows naturally. But what goes before a fight, the gruel, the practice, the grit is for only the four walls to see. And when I'm fighting someone else's fight, its really necessary to be able to justify what goes before that fight - but I'm cut from that. And more importantly, in the effort to put up my best fight with a bad glove, I've already been hurting myself a lot.

To help myself in choosing, I've done the fight and understand a glove and can't build it otherwise. And to fight without being able to answer for my performance.. i'm no sage.. Even I need a shack up once in a while...

That takes me to the last option, make my own glove or go without it.. and fight my own fight. Now is the time to toss or to just decide the outcome.

Hmm.. do you know what you want to be?

There was once this man. The one who could do exactly what he wanted to.. Not that he was super anything. Lets put it that he just chose what he actually is capable of doing and may be a little more - that which makes him work a little harder everytime than the previous. Now this looks ordinary, but since when do we do what we can? Sounds absurd?? take a sheet and a pencil. List everything you think you should be having done by the end of the day. Compare notes when you go to sleep. That surely made me rediscover absurdity. Found it in the mirror.