Life is but a juggle..

I had a lot of balls in the air when this happened to me. Endless things I wanted to do in life, endless ones that I didn't want to do at work and endless ones that I couldn't do at the MBA. And then I dropped them. It caught up exactly like an itch-in-the-crotch would on a busy corridor at work. Seemingly innocuous to begin with, but shooting up to suck all of my attentions in no time. Without a reason, a rhyme, a cause, an inspiration or a damned warning!! It is that moment when in a single minded pursuit you find a near-empty elevator and not care about which way it's going and then hold your breath until it's empty. It is right after this involuntary, ignominious adventure do you realize that you don't even faintly remember what you were upto before. It then takes a conscious effort to get back your life. It is precisely in such a state that I began to juggle, so I could redirect my attention to something worth holding it; nay innocent.

Forget to catch, remember to throw.

The very first hurdle's this. Every juggler has faced this without fail. The fear of not being able to catch is so overwhelming, that one hesitates to release the next ball. Catching being more natural a reflex (and perhaps comes with more importance attached) to all of us, you end up catching the ball always! Funny that you'll ever so often break out of the rhythm not because you dropped, but because you never released the next one. It takes grit and self-assurance to keep sending those balls up in the air. But once you've jumped over the hurdle, you'll see how effortless it is...

Look beyond.

Being party to a situation is always judgement-clouding. It is sort of the Heisenberg Uncertainity Principle where the very act of measuring changes the quantity measured. Especially in a sensorially overwhelming act of keeping a watch on the balls flying about. It always helps to let your hands do the work. Your eyes can never keep pace. You watch, you lose. You look beyond and you shall thrive!

Think placement.

There comes this ahoy-moment, that clearly marks the coming of age of a juggler. And you can quickly graduate to any number of balls from there on. It is the art of placement that every expert juggler can relate to. All you have to think of, is not in terms of throwing and catching. You are self-assured enough that the hand-time-window that is supposed to throw and to catch will do exactly that. Your mind has just one thing left to think about, of Placing the ball in the right Order such as the one that everything in a system has. You can be sure the rest of the act works like you were an automaton.

If juggling were easy, they'd call it napping. It takes investment. But the gain is an amazingly beautiful reward - the pride in the way you spent yourself.

And it may just make for an interesting act in a party!


Since posting
Learning to Juggle can Change Your Brain

Single, Man, Homemaker.

You can take a man out of an MBA but not an MBA out of a man... He’s only learnt his 3Cs (for the uninitiated, there are no ABCs) in marketing and now a trip along the departmental store aisle can compare with the other things that he calls a pleasure ;-).. Being a man and buying things that are targeted only at women can be tricky to say the least. And I’m not even talking tampons here! Simple necessities like soaps. Can you tell me of one soap that’s advertised as a man’s soap? It’s always a kids’ soap, a beauty bar or those rare times when it is a piece of medication. If at all men do appear in an ad frothing one, it is usually a family bar. So I’m forced to feel like any one of them depending on what the store stocks.. The same holds true for ready-to-cooks or heat-and-eats (whoever thought working women are their only clientele), chakki-ground-atta, the vendor with his vegetable cart, so on and on..

And along side of all this, while the other day I interview this lady for some house-keeping help, she is super suspicious to work for a household with a single man!! And for all you know it is the Shineys of the world with a wife and a kid who go forcing themselves on their maids.. Poor single men are really just hapless meek creatures, take my word for it. The really desperate ones among them may try hitting on the maid, but that’s about it J. If she can deal with dirt, she can deal with this type with even more ease :p

The most miserable is when you invite a charming company over for a home-cooked lunch; and you get a motherly “don’t fret about the place.. i’ve an idea of bachelor places and i’ll be all right. really.” – some words of pity it sounds like to me. Not a grain of expectation of a decent dwelling, ladies?? I sometimes feel discriminated against.. If pretty soon women can have babies without men (thanks to the bloody science), I feel a sinister pleasure in breaking it to women that men can run a home without a woman!

This worst insult is for last.. I intend to get myself a dog and consider it only prudent to check with my friends for their canine tolerance levels so that he’ll have a place to live when I am out of town or something... And all I get every single time is a – “A dog? You? Poor dog... Don’t do it, please!” advice. Uff!! Am I incapable of taking care of a pet? Is it unimaginable that I can stock dog food (yum, it happens to the craziest thing I’ve eaten so far) even if I go hungry? Really world, stop doing this to us.

But then, there are these good days too.. It was this weekend evening when a professional acquaintance had stopped over to have a word and tagged to him was his 5 year old. The girl kept pestering daddy for a bag of popcorn, when I swooped in and offered to make some for her. Thanks to ACT-II sachets, I had a bowl cracked up in 2 minutes, when the tiny mouth below two very large eyes lovingly bellowed – “Just like mom does it!”. He..he.. I’ve put my clothes on in the right order, but it didn’t stop me from feeling a little like her superman from the comics :p

So I guess I don’t care anymore if the rest of you continue to think that a single, man, homemaker - such a thing doesn’t exist!

Boom Boom Pow...

Most probably, of our decisions to do something positive, the full consequences of which will be drawn out over many days to come, can only be taken as a result of animal spirits – of a spontaneous urge to action rather than inaction, and not as the outcome of a weighted average of quantitative benefits multiplied by quantitative probabilities. Enterprise only pretends itself to be mainly actuated by the statements in its own prospectus... Thus if the animal spirits are dimmed and the spontaneous optimism falters, leaving us to depend on nothing but a mathematical expectation, enterprise will fade and die...

John Keynes, The General Theory.

 How would one feel when the newsbit reads – “Lamborghinis now selling in India?”. Makes one wonder what anyone can do with it on the crowded Indian roads, doesn’t it? My sentiments exactly. I cannot but find it an insult over the way I spent the last 3.5yrs shaping my career, if I did at all. I think I let others’ incompetence plunder it big time. But the guts to call it quits yesterday, came as involuntarily and effortlessly as a hiccup. Funny that not having figured out the next steps in even their vaguest detail (oxymoron?) isn’t bothering me anymore than a hiccup would. It’s just that when you’re out in the sea, you can’t wait for the right wind but have to unfurl your sail all the same. In me, I trust.

No surprise I find this song energizing...

Dear Auntie..

 (an open letter to my favorite apple-chomping agony-aunt who is oceans away studying something she's already smarter than...)

there've been so many agonies in life of late that it feels superb to hear from my favorite agony aunt!

atta girl, glad to learn of your accomplishments at studies. i've barely managed to survive a yr myself :-) but its at work that my studies have become a pain in the wrong place. see, today's a friday and after a yr i've got a well deserved break and dumb enough i'm at work. but for the life of me, i can't take it that not a single person who walks-in to office to spot me misses to express that - 'what the hell are you doing here?' look. dear aunt, never before in my life did i feel so unwanted... sniff.

that apart, i'm fast gaining a reputation as mr.clumsy. now who the hell would realize that when you connect to your system from a meeting; the net meeting client would grab & play out-loud the song you were listening on your comp. and ain't it natural that when you get up from your place & trip on the head phones disconnecting it; the song plays out loud in an otherwise quiet lab. things that could happen to anyone you'll see... but if you remember the SAD songs i listen to; you'll know how important keeping it private is.. sniff.

oh yeah.. what reduces in volume has to increase in intensity. so i'll say about my PJs... if only people understood what is a sophisticated sense of macabre humor would they realize how much ahead of the not-yet-ready-world that i am.... sniff.

i miss your couselling so bad that i chased an auto the other day for 7 kms only coz of what i saw from behind it - a feminine hand dropping a chomped-off apple out of the door!! sniff.. sniff..

It's the third year...

Hmm.. I don't know what'd make a guy for sure a weirdo.. Can YOU tell?? lets try.. a guy who doesn't use a cell phone may be?? Oh no!! That's be me then!!! Plus this'd be the third year since I am one!!!

This puts me in a curious light some times; makes me a butt of jokes at other times. aaaand.... insensitive if the ones who love me are right. well then, why would I do it? i wouldn't want to get arguing that not having a cell phone's better than having one since i get to do that often enough. instead, i'd say not having a cell phone is exactly what suits me.

i happen to like it when i'm not available when i don't want to be.. especially when even not answering the phone's a message. would like to make and keep appointments over calling up enroute. would like to wait for and hug the loved one in relief rather than check on her when she's late. i like keeping the distraction away when i work or study. when there're bombs going out in the cities; i would rather breathe anxious inside until i know someone i love is safe than be paranoid until i an actually hear the voice. a million other things actually .. funny that not having a phone is not actually a problem at all. definitely not a tenth as much to me as it is to the person who's trying to reach me. in short; i just refuse to be rushed through life; and refuse to pay the cost of someone else being in a hurry.

but this situation does have its amusing momemts. imagine running into after 3 years, that junior from college who could make you go weak in the knees and not having a number to exchange. and the turn in your stomach when she asks back if its because you don't want her to call you!! imagine having to deal with an airticket booking portal that is dumb enough to mark a cell phone field as mandatory. the credit card support sweet voice that calls up on your home number every other month to make sure if her records are right in missing the number. and every other moment when you have to make a tiny little effort to straighten your back when the other guy pulls out his phone, and asks - "so what's the number?"

i am not sure how long i can be assertive enough with my life.. in dealing with all the men and women who think they HAVE to reach me when want to. but i do hope i could have as much of this unhurried sail as i can..

coming to an argument if i have to; the other day this friend thought i was so out of times when i pointed if there was no life before cell phones that he shot back - what's your point?? wasn't there life before men wore any clothes?

but then, i actually think it would not be that bad of an idea if this were the third year

since when fig leaves were back in fashion!!

 

Charging, do not disconnect...

the city's been colder this week compared to several weeks before. its darker until later, and the days are wetter. i've been trying to wake up at a respectable 6am for the past one week but without success. but call it a day; i was showered, shaved and in my work shoes at 0530 today. so lets make it a fine day.

if not the grander plan coming in the way of the day's tasks its just has to be the exact opposite. but with the early bird getting the worm, today just had give me a wonderful lead i've been looking for over myself. and the day begins..

genuiness is the most deficient quality in one-on-ones. but with a lot pushed out; some does rub on the people around. if a fine malt tastes great on its way in, trust me, it smells just as heavenly on the breath's way out.

lunch was unsually bright. i ended up being the only man at the table with six occupants.. this happening all too often, must find more about it :-). what ticked my brain is a witty comment - "humor is common sense rolling". take your time. think. taste and smell. its... simply... profound!!!!

and if such a fine mid-day break can't open your mind, Jehangir Pocha in the BW editorial wrote what sums it all up about it when one had all doors of the mind closed - "When what you have is a hammer, everything seems like a nail". Man!!! is the world suddenly on a roll or what!?!

getting back home early; i decided that it just has to be the day i take the Gallup's test. not sure how far i am on the "responsibility, strategic, futuristic, significance, input" package running one lifetime, but the beginning's sure very exciting :-).

hmm.. reading was just too slow an activity to hold my wander lusty mind in place; so a movie seemed just like what should be played before i retire this day. only; i ended up choosing a movie with a dialog that left me ever more lusty - "only pigs sweat; men perspire".

there are days when you relish the feeling of being unplugged. and then there are days your very existence throbs with a feeling of being firmly plugged.

and for crying out loud; its all in a day!!!.

The red plastic skittle

You see; me and my brother; when of 8 and 12; had a fight over who gets the best of the three cabinets we got in our new room. I must say this was only one of the many fights we always had over bowls with bigger helpings of the dessert and over window seats on buses. But this time; we also had this red plastic skittle. Something that was made in three pieces that you set one over another; and then it tumbled in whole or just lose its top depending on how you shot at it with a rubber arrow gun. The gun; we'd broken in no time. And now we didn't know what we could do with the skittle. And tired as we were, of our fighting; we drew up this little peace pact. We put all our stuff which we deemed precious; our best pencils, drawing books, draw-out-and-pull-string story books and so on. Together, Undivided, into a common pool we could both draw out of. And we set the skittle in the living room corner. Whenever either one of us were mad at the other; all we had to do was unsettle the skittle. This was to act as a clarion call; to huddle up under the tree in the backyard and... negotiate. The run-away clause was that we'd have to divided back our stuff if the negotiations were to fail.

We were lucky this felt like a game for the first few days; and we had fun even fighting and making up :-). And by the time we had bigger fights; we'd already built on our common treasure and every addition meant furthering the complication that dividing our stuff amongst us was to be. And this kept us going at the "game". Over time; ganging up under the tree already meant part success. I could do it without facing my brother; without yelling and being yelled at; without feeling helpless and multiplying my madness for feeling so.

I didn't particularly like Susan Scott's "Fierce Conversations" (ISBN 0 7499 2381 4) for its repetitiveness; but I presume this is what she meant by "Emotional Wake". Or close. I've always seen that there's a better chance of dealing with people; when we are conscious of ourselves and of the whole exchange. I have always had difficulty discussing my life with my dad; but then he is always another person when I speak to him in his home office. And so am I. It was like we have secretly and unconciously agreed on being fair with each other around his swivel chair.

These days, when I have problems at work in keeping my patience; or I rage up in traffic and yell; I shall have to try more to see that skittle unsettled. I am hoping to "wake" myself up :-). And for waking some else up in a conversation; I guess its not without a reason that I was always amazed by that little play...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Red Skittle.
Red Skittle who?
Red Skittle who wakes you.

The Hammock..

Imagine a beach with sand reminding you of snow; and the water blue, clear & coral-set to remind you of an aquarium.

Now imagine the sun at his sunniest best, a chilled beer in your hand and the cool breeze.

Now let’s throw in those beautiful bodies in tooth-floss wide bikinis.. going about not further from you than how far you can pee.. Mind you, they are there, but just a handful; spread wide about to not make a crowd but a picture from a glossy magazine.

Now... the hammock. It's in the shade, under a fine coconut tree, swayed by the cool breeze. Any guess who's lying on it? It is the one who by now wants to the most... You.

Kind of like a time share commercial, huh? Yes, and this did happen to me one Sunday afternoon at Sai Ree, at the secluded Koh Tao island in Thailand.

And do you know what I was thinking about? Literally the pain in my ass!! What with the rope from the hammock that was cutting into my butt cheeks... Such can be reality when it happens.

Missing that coveted school admission by a few hours; not cracking the Jee over two attempts; and missing those management schools by the water on a swan's back. I've regretted on each of these occasions; but only for a while. They are big; and shall remain so in my life. But then I fear no more when I feel so good in spite of it all and when I am proud of being me; because I know I am not letting these or anything else make me settle for any less. They are going to be my reminders. That not everything imagined, is just not the same in real.

Kind of like the rope knit hammock; which I am sure... is no fox's sour grape...

 

It's Alive..

Yeah.. it’s the title of that book by Meyer and Davis. It's the second book in all of my life, that I didn't read till the end..and the worst part of it, it kept me up in the nights over the first few chapters..

"The coming convergence of information, biology, and business" shouts the title. Ask me, and I'd rather prefer a "The coming convergence of information, biology and manufacturing".

There are only these things that when trying to see far enough I can see.. - The role that biology is going to play in information technology as far as providing previously unimagined hardware. - The role that biology is going to play in manufacturing.

To apply evolution into business decision making systems.. uh..huh... for now I'd say only eccentric professors and consultants can afford to get away with such a thing.

Any system capable of all that is claimed, needs to be creative.. needs to learn.. and...needs to be... as error prone as a human mind. I mean.. all of this is already available.. as a human brain of course. Anyone giving me that crap of computers being more accurate, in this case; may think of what application of processes to knowledge industry is doing to it.. I'm not even saying this isn't possible.. Only saying that this better be done by the already available wares..

The book provides a beautiful counter example to its own theories; but by accident of course.. that the US marines is winning in Afghanistan. If one still wants to believe in the convergence of evolutionary biology and decision making; she may as well read the book and bore herself to sleep.

I wouldn't bet my money on it, not just yet; not ever.

It's Alive - Christopher Meyer & Stan Davis, Crown Business (www.randomhouse.com), ISBN 1-4000-4641-6.

 

Present continuous

I would imagine every kid to have believed that he can one day know everything. E V E R Y T H I N G. Well, I did. It was first science and with some more growing up it was specifically Physics that would do for me. Something that could explain me the “entire scheme of things”. One can perhaps call me naïve; but I still think I can. Only, it’s now Economics. I have come to believe that one’s attitude towards wealth is very closely related to his view of social justice. Along the way, there have been enough isms - capitalism, socialism, communism, what not. My interest in all of this hasn’t ever been about finding out which one of them is the “right” one as much as in finding out how each one of them fit with each other.

It is with this dear hope that I plod between the covers of the double negation infested work - “The Argumentative Indian” by the Nobel laureate Amartya Sen. Disappointing though. “The Wealth of Nations”, yes, all right. Sir Vidia’s take, umm.. may be. But one would still be left with more questions than answers.

Why “really” is one country wealthier than the other? Probably because of my friends from around the planet, I keep coming back to wondering if we are this nation because of the way we are; or are we the way we are because of the nation. Would becoming wealthier make us “better” or would getting “better” make us wealthier.

“A Future Perfect”, by John Micklethwait & Adrian Wooldridge. The book didn’t have to give me all the answers. Call it selective comprehension, but I did pick out particular bits. Law of accumulated privileges. Relevance of Geography. A global economy shown its factual place in the cycles of history. The place for the international organizations, of nations, of individuals – all put in one grand scheme. More than the promised perfect future, if I really wanted to understand the times of my life – the present continuous; this book definitely helped a bit. All of my five stars to it.

 

Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum

Well that's introducing Amsterdam for you. The TOLERANT city. Sex capital. Drug haven. Business Savvy. Tulips. Farm cheese. Bikes. Leaning buildings. Wooden shoes. Boat houses. There can only be one name for all of this as a combination; Free Souls. Take this first shot. What's so shameful about a pee? And then, if you've had lots of beer and need to pee, what's so wrong about keeping a bowl nearby. Even if the bowl's placed bang in the middle of everywhere in the city (even outside an opera house!!), and is nothing more than something to aim at :)). The Dutch call it a crow. And if one thinks the carefree abandon stops there, better wait a minute. If there can be a lake-view or a city-view hotel; apparently why not have a crow-view hotel!!! And where else in the world can you expect that along with your pizza; you get a mouthfreshner, a sachet of seasoning and a condom!!! All of this can be easily mistaken for an immoral and obscene place. But is Amsterdam really such a place?? NOT AT ALL. I won't know if it’s the Cannabis effect; if some feeling gets heady and contagious, it’s definitely the WHY NOT? spirit. And the Latin saying above is put on no less than a imposing Roman arch in one of the best parts of the city :-). There are very few places that can lift a man's spirits; Amsterdam is definitely one.

It is Latin for...heck I'll leave you with some work!

 

Where is Slovenia?

That's a question that nags Veronica while she is dying... in Paulo Coelho's "Veronica Decides to Die". Incidentally, that's also the question that took me to the land.. I was once alone in this little town of Timisoara, in Romania. For reasons I don't know yet, I'd keep reminding myself that it was the farthest, remotest place I've ever been from home. But travelling through the local trains stopping by at the remotest villages in Slovenia, I couldn't help but feel that this was the closest I've felt to being at home. It is a country that keeps English as a pidgin just like India does. I wish it the best but I personally dislike its joining the EU and subsequent turn to just another expensive place. This also seemed to be a land where the inhabitants were picked out from everywhere and placed with care.. if you are a Slovenian, you had to have the kindest heart for the fellow traveler. Day one was the journey into Ljubljana. Never mind if you can't pronounce it right the very first time for you can rest assured you'll love to say it to yourself the rest of your life. The terrain doesn't change as you enter from Austria into Slovenia riding over the glorious alps. Its only the homes that do. Poorer, wealthier. As you pass through ill-kempt rural train stations, you can't but think of your own places in India. And when your fellow passengers open their lunch packs and share it with you, you know you've crossed the west and entered east Europe. With its warmth, I never realized I've been walking around Ljubljana for four hours when I had to go to another town - Maribor. For once, I was travelling with a specific destination in mind. My local host whom I'd been writing mails to. She is the kindest host I'd ever met. Well, this blog ain't meant to be a minute by minute account; so I can't find place for all the nicest people I met on my way while I lost it again and again but felt like I had found better ones. The next day was a trip to my host's grandmother's place and then her aunt's. A bike ride of about 2 hours on each way.. The shopping rounds, the ice cream, the ride alone by the long and winding river..... the evening on the streets of Maribor...umm.. etched forever in my memories. I was back in Ljubljana the next morning, basking in the warm sun in the youth hostel that was once a prison. The guitar strumming fellow travelers make you feel that the world that you see through the iron bars is the one that is imprisoned and you are the one that's free!!! A bike ride discovering the Sunday market, the most beautiful castle and the baroque chapels is worth every drop of sweat. And when one books a city tour by boat, one hardly expects the special treatment I got. Incidentally, I was the only one in the boat that day; a boat that could hold about 30 happy hearts. The sparkling wine and a nice guide; and you can only feel like a prince. I am not sure if it was the beer by the best live music which had its effect; but I just found that I could strike the warmest conversations with almost every new person that passed by my table. My feet were asking for more after I travelled three pubs, one restaurant and countless open air eateries with live music. That left me with time for one last honey brandy to fill my heart with. They say.... err..heck.. I SAY.. it’s never a place that you like but it’s the time that you spend in one that makes you like it. But with Slovenia, I've got to say it can make you have the best of your times. I now know where it is.. and can't wait to go there again...

It's in my fondest recollections...

 

Leave me a comment!!!

You are caught reading my blog. Google analytics does the job of profiling your whereabouts... Now if only you'd leave me a comment!!!! Gee.. won't I just love it. :-).

To test your luck...

I've been feeling really lucky of late.. And plainly put, I know it isn't about luck. Is it about optimism? I'd say it is... To ask someone if she/he considers her/himself lucky, is probably the most insightful question. When I couldn't convince a friend against taking little chances, this is how it slipped out of my mouth. Don't put your luck to test too often...because that is when realize you've got none.

Another of those utterings that keep me feeling wise :-). And with my friend? Well, it drove the point home.

Girls are like money..

I never understood why people get excited... for fairly stupid reasons.. like when they have babies, when they get engaged, when they lose their virginity.. brrrr !!!! While I, have a real precious thing to be celebrating. I've got my first grey hair!!! Its nice and curly, and yes a little shiny too. And its on the sides of my head, hopefully leading to a gorgeous patch just like the movie make-up artist would do it. And now that its just about time for you to wonder what this post is about.. and how's it connected to the title... let me ask you a question. Would you still have read this far if I retained the original title - grey hair is like money... having some, gets you many!! :-))

 

WHEN I discovered my first grey hair, I immediately wrote to my parents: "Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too." I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it. My father's response, titled "Sonnet to a Hair," began:
It 's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first grey hair. . .
He signed off with this observation: "That grey hair you sent us is not the first one you gave us!"

 

Five more minutes mom...

Yes, that's what I'd tell my mom every time she woke me up early. Thank heavens that she kept at it, after each five minutes. If I were to tell anybody why I'd kept from adding to my blog, all I know is... I was taking just a five minute break. It just happened to last too long. I'm going through my worst ever, down-and-out lazy patch right now. Wonder if Einstein ever had them too ;-). But then, its never too late. (or rather it doesn't help to think its late ;-)..) So now I stand up right this minute, and start again,

...and i'll be okay!!

If you want to feel good - http://www.paulgraham.com/procrastination.html
If you want to be honest - http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9770&cn=353

 

It don't mean a thing ...

Ha..ha.. never saw a clearer definition of my own personality than this one. I've always loved jazz and dreamt of playing the sax. Now I know why. Here's the definition "Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds." he..he...check http://www.allaboutjazz.com/php/article.php?id=15614 for more ;-)

...if it don't make you swing!!

Did you know?

Hmm.. at no point of my life did I doubt my understanding about myself. But for some strange reason; its only today that I could put my "growing up" into a logical structure. The fact that I could classify my personality type and analyzed what I am helped. I'll try to put what I was, what I did, what it lead to - all of it in chronology and all of it with the greatest possible honesty.

Stage 1 - Know nothing. (What's being okay?)
Age - 0 to 8
Was - Nonexistent
Lead To - Unrealized knowing
Did - Exist

Stage 2 - Know something (I know what it is to be okay!)
Age - 9 to 12
Was - Curious, confident.
Lead To - Realized learning. First time I felt that when it comes to influencing myself, I can do it too!!! I remember this history lesson in Grade 3 about the Chola empire. The first time I could actually think and remember anything some way other than what I was told.
Did - First time read what I needn't have. Thought what I needn't have. Comics, drawing, self-invented games and imaginary experiments came. Drifted apart from fellow-everybody.

Stage 3 - Know wrong (I'm okay, you aren't)
Age - 13 to 18
Was - With a self-identity to suit my own idea of it and far from truth.
Lead To - The feeling of being special. The need to do special things. To get into only those things in which I can be special. (resigned from sports and any creative pursuit)
Did - Conscious manipulation of self. Developed preferences on how I wanted to look, what I'd read, what I'd say. Start aspiring what I should be - thereby drifting apart from family that thought better ;-)

Stage 4 - Know better (I'm okay, so are you)
Age - 19 to 22
Was - Self conscious to the extreme. Not the kind to give inferiority, but the kind to make better of myself. Dead down to earth and extreme modesty.
LeadTo - Developing my specific skills. Graduation. Friends out of choice. Languages. Opinions. Viewpoints.
Did - Put a perennial effort at self improvement. First encounter with focused thought and action. Fell in love. Got up and firmly out of it. Drifted apart from my first person self.

Stage 5 - Know back (I'm feeling okay and more okay. Don't care about anything else!)
Age - 23 to now
Was - Introspection and retrospection to the extreme.
Lead To - Continual molding and fitting into an ever expanding horizon. More reading, more travelling, more discovery.
Did - ... Here I am.

 

The thing that I seek..

What is that I seek when I'm over and out.. down and flat..worn and tired... just like it happened yesterday? I was just trying to find out what is it that would make me happy.. I searched my contact list..mailing none seemed appealing..logged into my messenger and none in buddy list that I wanted to chat up with.. scrolled down my phone book.. I realized it needed a cleanup. So was it company I was seeking? Nope. not at all. I can't imagine a company that wouldn't bore me in just a little while. And it was then I realized sitting in a nice cozy restaurant scooping steamed rice and washing it down with beer - all at closing time when every table around me was empty. The need with creatures like me who don't know for sure what makes em happy.. is to keep discovering. Got it. Novelty.

And then.. it doesn't suffice that I describe what I thought and what I did. I'd rather have the third person view of myself. And putting in this blog really triggered a log. I found out minutes ago that I can classify myself as INTP behavior type. Time to find out more ;-).

 

Heads or Tails...

Hey.. I've a choice now.. (makes me feel good to say thus). let me put it as one of three.. I can do something that's noticed all the time, by everybody around which means that I'm under lights always. Part of a team. And for someone decent enough, the advantage of being noticed for accomplishing overpowers the disadvantage of being noticed for failure to do the same. The problem is that the team builds boxing gloves, has never used a pair and worse; it claims to know the best when it comes to making them. There's a HUGE disconnect from reality. Moving over to the second option, there's this option of actually boxing.. actually kicking and being kicked.. and the "kick" follows naturally. But what goes before a fight, the gruel, the practice, the grit is for only the four walls to see. And when I'm fighting someone else's fight, its really necessary to be able to justify what goes before that fight - but I'm cut from that. And more importantly, in the effort to put up my best fight with a bad glove, I've already been hurting myself a lot.

To help myself in choosing, I've done the fight and understand a glove and can't build it otherwise. And to fight without being able to answer for my performance.. i'm no sage.. Even I need a shack up once in a while...

That takes me to the last option, make my own glove or go without it.. and fight my own fight. Now is the time to toss or to just decide the outcome.

Hmm.. do you know what you want to be?

There was once this man. The one who could do exactly what he wanted to.. Not that he was super anything. Lets put it that he just chose what he actually is capable of doing and may be a little more - that which makes him work a little harder everytime than the previous. Now this looks ordinary, but since when do we do what we can? Sounds absurd?? take a sheet and a pencil. List everything you think you should be having done by the end of the day. Compare notes when you go to sleep. That surely made me rediscover absurdity. Found it in the mirror.

My experiments with her

He..he..Caught ya!! It isn't her that i'm talking about.. it's the pronoun "her". I was just reflecting on the way everybody around(including me) speaks, and am trying to manipulate my own speech. Don't know how far I'm right but I've got this conviction that my speech shall influence the way I feel about something and the way others feel about the same thing :-).
Take for example the code that I write. Most people around keep referring to the interacting modules as "HE". A invokes B coz HE wants B's help and so on. Now now, come on. I'm trying to love the code I write, don't I? Hence I'm putting a "SHE" as I refer to my modules ;-).

Moving forward from jokes, I also happen to work in an environment that professes collective ownership. Now this actually makes it imperative for all the stake holders to own all mistakes all the time, but lately it's turned too pretentious. Believe me; it's come to the level that person-X asks person-Y something like this - "Are we sure this is allright?" when what he intends to ask would be - "What kinda crap are you feeding me?".. He.he.. isn't infinite fun!!! Now am I not supposed to manipulate it? Yes ofcourse. Hence I'm framing every sentence in passives!!! And to put a cherry-on-the-top when not to risk conclusions, I at times add a "atleast I think so.". Being egoistic is helping :-)

I met this Bihari once and they have this sweet way of referring to their selves in collective nouns. "Hum aapse milne aaye hai", "Hum ne isko thik kar diya" and so on. All I knew was that this sounds sweet. But this person I met explains that it's because people want to keep away all traces of "mein" - the self-recognition, the pride! and put a "hum" in it's place. Set me thinking until I asked his name and he says "Humara naam @@@ hai". I'm LOL.

Now isn't this all so very fun!! Pronouns make a difference. And that's exactly the reason.. that I LOVE HER.

 

Surely I'm joking

I surely am. There was this 13 birthday of mine when I got my brother's letter telling me that Tom Edison set up his lab when he was 13! And most of my teens, I've been having this feeling of getting late.. to what? ofcourse.. to greatness. Now I'm reading "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!" and I recollect my years that went behind. The half year I spent building a telescope. The weekend I spent trying to break the record of longest numbers ever multiplied by writing one myself over a wall-sized paper. The whole day spent collecting cow-dung from all over the town with the intent of making a piece of my garden the most fertile one ever!! When I set a patch of the lawn on fire!! When I fought with my teacher in highschool claiming I had a better proof to the parallelogram theorem than as given in the textbook.. Now I know what I mean by the heading.. I surely must have been joking.. But I wish I'd been serious!! Gives me a feeling of having grown older than I'd care to be.

 

The Programmer's Stone

Well for those interested in mending the way we think, here's a new favorite of mine. "The Programmer's Stone". One of the rare books that I'm reading a second time. Chapters go "Thinking About Thinking", "Thinking About Programming", "The Programmer At Work", "Customs And Practices", "Design Principles", "Prudence And Safety" and finally "Some Wierd Stuff". To call this book as something only about programming would in my view be an injustice.

It's worth checking out for oneself. http://www.reciprocality.org/Reciprocality/r0/

 

Blink

Yup!! That's the latest book that I read. By Malcolm Gladwell. Well, if you're my types; someone who asks at the end of anything - So what do I do about it? then this isn't the book for you. Lots of information packed between covers but leading me nowhere. Finally if I were to ask myself, what I learn out of it. Keeps me *Blink*ing.

 

My "Lateral" Mind

 

Well those no-dirt-on-my-mind folks; stop reading this. Because when I consult my Lateral Thought part of my brains, it's usually the dirty parts that answer !! Well it so happened that I let a blood bank drain a bit of my blood today for the eighth time, and then there was this question that I asked myself why I did it. Knowing myself, I am not an altruist, not one who goes any extra distance to help others. Its just the good feeling part of it. And it's exactly then that I found this naughty answer to throw at the next person who asked me the same question - "Well, that was my only chance to get laid by that nurse you know.. and she even let me squeeze a ball ;-) !!!!!".

 

 

Don't Write Me Off !!

 

Sorry Mr. Schumacher, I had to borrow your lines. Just for once, I wanted to try writing with nothing to write about... he..he.. Wonder what's causing it.. am happier than I usually am.. and for reasons I know not. Feel alone at times and want to be alone the rest of the time !! And for a while I've felt neither. Am really confused for now.. don't know what's next in life.. but not confused for lack of options but because of them being too many ;-) Hmm.. like the song.. Can't Wait For The Rest of My Life.

 

 

 

What's it about beer by the way..

 

If anyone's reading this at all.. excuse me.. am a little drunk and am more philosophical than I usually am ;-)

I've always tried to evaluate myself.. what's it about me that's ordinary.. and what's it that isn't... I've seen and gotten impressed with these kind of people... the one's who make big impressions on their firsts... and I know that's what's ordinary about me... I AM NOT THAT. And then.. I've always proved myself over time.. (forget that I haven't been too confident all the while). I was so hidden as to let a girl apologize in the second year for not knowning that I was in the same class.... and by the end of graduation.. I wasn't the pin-up but never met anybody who didn't know me.. same at school..same at job.. same at most other things.. Guess I'm more like this thing I'm loving having it.. BEER.. you want to have more of it.. but only after you've had more of it already...

 

 

Funny how we think..

 

Well I for a while knew this thing of measuring one's career progress. That of defining it in four stages - unconscious incompetence, conscious incompetence, concious competence and finally over to unconscious competence. And it never in its repeated recurrence as a thought failed to astonish me how simple and true it could be. I was only wondering if we could say something about the way we think as well. Most of the times, and most of us, seem to be only complaining. We only seem to look at problems. It is so blatantly visible in our conversation, but that's only if we care to observe. Look at this story - I am reading an article that asks "Should Prostitution be Legalized". And pat comes a sarcastic comment from a pair of eyes behind my shoulder, hooked out of an otherwise very sensible brain - "oh there are better things to be legalized!!!!". There wasn't much effort in pushing those brains into thought; I only had to ask back; "like?"... "Err... hmm... ooo.. Gay marriages probably!!". He he he... we better be careful in announcing our thoughts buddy...it shows too much of us. Like all philosophy, my friend probably thinks he's smarter.. and I probably think I am.. But for once, I've had my spark-of-amusement. And ofcourse, a train of thoughts flowing out of it!!!

 

 

One Of The Fountains..

 

My job in this lovely little town of Bucharest is that of technical support in a team of two (including me) deploying a software application worth i-dont-know-how-many-zeroes kind of money. Well, had heard quite a lot about this client interaction thing, about being street smart, about developing "connexions" and committing with care. And then a couple of things that I did observe... If I am not smart, people take no time in riding me.. and if I'm too smart, people take no time in seeing thru the bluff and you know what follows.. Being smart is mostly mistaken for scoring over others. I need to score, but I needn't score over anybody. It's only got to be aligned. And I've never got to let somebody score over me either. The demand the customer makes probably should never be thrashed. That's my only chance of being useful. And it's the only way forward. And so it is with most other obligations in daily life.

We all know of smart asses who go about complaining against everything and still get "ahead". And then, we know of people sweating it out and still getting "ahead". And if you're asking me, the first one ain't smark work and the second ain't hard work. It's work worth it's effort only if it can make a contribution. I now know how I want to feel at the end of a work day.

 

 

First Weekend outside India

Well it's Sunday.. and I'm out in the east European town of Bucharest. Have had lots of talk about the feeling one gets on his first visit out of India; but nope; I haven't felt anything at all. Well it’s one thing that I am busy with work and another that I'm increasing growing insensitive to everything outside me. Got nearly mugged y'day night while trying to take a look at the underground metro station, but somehow it never felt as dramatic as my companion explains it now. I figured out the mugger wasn't too sure of what he'd wanted to do to me; and while my companion started running away making exclamations; I calmly walked along without sparing a look at the twice-heftier-than-me danger beside me. Ya.. the town is a lot more cleaner than Bangalore for example. The temperature is way lower hovering around 0 centigrade. But yes, one difference I did observe. Almost a week, and I am yet to spot children. I read on the net that the Romanian society makes up a receding population ("makes up" ??). The government even pays around 10 Euros every month for each child until he's 18.. It's funny how things work in different places.

 

 

Smack the snack...

Hmm.. so it feels like what I heard some time ago..Quarterly Life Crisis. A demanding parent, a demanding job and a demanding set of aspirations. Unfortunately, the three don't align!!! But wait till I've told what's worse..first, I don't know what I want my aspirations mean.. and voila.. I’m a software programmer(need I wail more??) and crikey!!! my parent KNOWS what he wants ME to do... heard of a combination more lethal??? For the time being, my boss is in a meeting. I live away from my home town.. and did I say something about myself?? guess not.. I always knew I was lucky.... but never that I was SO lucky. So right now, smack the snack.